Titles not really wanted

Well I ve decided to keep it as My diary for now, unless soemone coems up with a really good title. :)Keep working on it people!

I want to become a space scientist!

Well I'm starting to write this blog not knowing what I want to write about. I m writing yet, because of this irresistable urge to write. So as of now I don't know what I want to write about.
thinking.. thinking .. er.. hmm.. Oh today I was going through this rough notebook of mine. It's my rough notebook from 7th std. I had these scribblings on various subjects- math, science ,english, tamil, hindi , interspersed with these favourite quotes from everywhere ranging from Reader's Digest to unheard of -tamil movie-song -lyrics.

It was not exactly a walk down memory lane because I did not remember most of those things. It was more of soul searching. I had wanted to alway stand out in a crowd, do something unique, things like that.It was like finding out who I really was, who I really wanted to become before external factors started influencing me. By external factors , I mean factors like competition, knowing that there are thousands of others who want to be the exact same thing, knowing that college is not like what they show in movies. Well for one- we do not carry just one notebook and a tiffin box. We carry piles and piles of xeroxes and notes and notebooks and a stinky lab coat that has never met a washing machine before, and of course tiffin box. In grad school its even worse- It's like you are back in school. The huge bag and a lunch box - only difference- this time its a lot heavier (because of the laptop) and so are you. Its like a reverse evoultion cycle- the famous crouched man to erect man chart- its just the opposite. you are born erect and you end up all stoopy in the end. Funny- I am listening to 'khoon' chala now on youtube. ( Sorry I couldnt resist the mokkai)

Oops I digressed. like I warned- this is a very off -the -top- of- my- head- post. Anyways, like I was saying, as long as you are unaware of the external factors like money, salary, pressure, luck, - reality to be precise, you are blissfully ignorant as a kid. We ve all wanted to do exotic stuff like become a pilot or a space scientist or a film star or an interior decorator/psychologist/architect in my case. Did any of us grow up saying we wanted to become a system analyst or a microbiologist or a professor? I hope not. But I am sure some of you geeks did. As you grow up, the fog clears and you stand there face to face with reality.

Reality:" Space scientist? ha aha ha"
Kid:" Ok ok, I wont. Can I become a doctor?"
Reality:" Doctor? ha aha ha. Space scientist may be easier".
Kid: " Ok.. what other choice do I have?"
Reality: " Choice? ha ha ha".

Kid grows up, studies hard and joins an engineering college (surprise!!) just like thousands of other kids,works hard to become a software engineer in Infosys ( surprise), just like thousands of other kids,works hard to come to America with dollar dreams, just like few more thousands of other kids , works his ass off , also falls in love with similar girl kid who works for Microsoft, and just about when they are about to get married, some bank on Wall street screws up and the kid goes back to India for good, the girl kid's parents suddenly reject the guy kid because obviously he s not good for their princess any more and both of them return to the place where it all started. Again, just like thousands of other kids.


Phew! One heck of a depressing story. Anyways the point I am trying to make is - well not much of a point but a scary observation is that when we are kids we all strive to be unique. But slowly, as we grow up, we give up and at some point our desire to be unique fades out slowly and we start wanting to 'fit in'.Fitting in in college, grad school, u.s, work place, social circle, in-laws.. we want to fit in these random groups of people whom we mostly do not care about. The fear of being the odd man out sets in. Sad..isnt it?

This is why I get terribly pissed reading success stories and listen to victory speeches. Because there are so many winners and winner speeches, that it looks like its such a common easy thing to win. It looks easy to get to the stage when you ve succeeded and you get to talk about it. Its almost liek writing an SOP.You connect the dots in such a way that it looks like you were born to do the final task. Thats why it looks like achievers always seek something and they manage to 'go after ' something and get it. But the actual truth is that probably they too are just fleeing from one thing to another.
And unfortunately life is in the reverse order. To get to that pinnacle is tough and all success stories and victory speeches have only managed to under describe this arduous journey.

I m probably on the shadow side of things and I m refusing to move to where there is light. May be it takes just one step to go from shadow to light. But like one of my quotes in my 7th std rough notebook said, " Reality is just a very persistent illusion.- Einstein".Hope that helps. :)

Titles wanted

Just an announcement. One of my friends feels my blog's name- Princess's diary is very lame. Another friend argued that it cannot be Princess's and it should be Princess' diary. Indha madhri kostins laam varudhu..ennala blog la concentrate panna mudiyala (Kamal, 2005) (lol).
So people please suggest good blog names .
Vetri perubavar kulukkal muraiyil therndhedukapaduvargal.



Reference:
1.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-TUL7XIbAE&feature=related

For Tamil readers only

This post is only for people who can read my handwriting in Tamil. I know it has been a long time since my first post. I have been lazing around generally. Even now, this post is not really new.Most of you have read it before. One of my friends even wants to make it into a movie.This is a story I wrote almost 2 years back. It is written from the point of view of a kid. So my handwriting is also justified- 'like a child' (lol).
If you like this post, try this one - it s my friend's. actually even if you dont like mine, read this-http://rsai420.blogspot.com/

Home coming- part 1

Well.. am back. Back in the u.s, back to my life. When SFO airport was nearing , I was surprised to find myself get excited seeing "at & t" appear on my phone.I did not realize until then, that I had missed U.S.The excitement was doubled up by the fact that my parents were with me and they were coming to u.s for the first time. I felt like I was the responsible one and I was bringing them to hand them over to my sister in California.Probably that was true.

I was in California for hardly a day.I left for Clemson the next day, in spite of my parents wanting me to stay back and spend quality time with family.I was in a hurry to leave, something was pulling me back home. Oops! I just called Clemson as home. Probably it is, now. This is where I live now,I work here, I cook here, I have responsibilities here.I have friends here. I have fun here. India is now vacation home.Let me tell you a secret-I got bored there towards the end of a month. I know many of you would instantly go "How mean! one year in the U.S and she' s already calling India as vacation home", while honestly you do think "actually yea.. it does get a little boring"Lemme explain.

When the flight is landing in Chennai airport, the adrenalin rush is unbelievable. You get down,finish customs,immigration, baggage claim and u rushhhhhhh to the arrival point. You see your parents standing there with anxiety and eagerness in their eyes.The minute you spot them,your heart sinks a little. They look a lot more older than they were when you lef.there are many more wrinkles on their faces, but the joy of seeing u does a decent job of covering those wrinkles.

The initial one week you get all the limelight you can ever get.Parents are extra loving,extra caring, extra liberal, extra cautious about where you go,how you go, what you eat.You feel like a princess/prince . Then comes the true US return experience.There is a standard set of "u.s return" things that you cannot miss.Its like a package tour.Things like the much-talked- about jet lag, the cute little surprise that you get from the good old bucket and mug, small size stainless steel tumblers that look lilliputian next to u.s size coffee mugs,the squeaky ceiling fans, the sight of paal pongifying on the gas stove,the sudden obsession with mineral water and mosquitoes, the right hand drive,the chuckle the taxi driver gives when you wear the seat belt, the familiar sounds of car/bike/auto horn, paalkaaran,paper kaaran,pitchaikaaran, paithyakaaran, pottikadai, isthri vandi and so on. You get in touch with friends and relatives. Relatives who were very normal until the previous time, all of a sudden start talking to you in English .

First law of Indo-American relations says that every family member in India has an equally irritating family member in the U.S and he/she lives in texas/california/Newyork/florida.If you live elsewhere, the next question is if its close to any of these 4 places. If your answer is no, I m sorry- you are" rejeeted ".It's a little weird and can get very annoying.

Kid cousins swarm in from everywhere watching you unpack,as you give out all those carefully selected,carefully packaged chocolates and gifts labelled with their names on it. I used to love it when my uncles and aunts used to give me gifts nicely packaged with my name on it. It didnt matter what was inside. As long as it was something that has a wrapper and my name on it, I was happy. Whoa! It was the best part of having US return cousins come over. ;)

Finally,meeting friends is the best part.Nothing s weird, nothing is new,nothing has changed. You fit in with ease, catch up on one anothers' lives and melt into good ol college days.There is no pretense, no extra anything because you are U.S return,no royal treatment,if you were the joker a year ago in the gang, you still are , probably even more now because you come from Bush's land. :) Nothing has changed.
This is worth all the money you spent on your ticket, all the late nights you spent looking for cheap India tickets, all the planning,packing.shopping,shipping that you had to do to go to India.
But this is just the first week. The remaining weeks- yet to come. :)

First Post-My diary.

I had 4 volumes of my diary about 8 yrs ago. I had to get rid of them cos I didn't know where to hide them.My diaries were very close to me..I kept them in a "secret"place. But somehow someone always "stumbled upon it" when they were looking for something else. So I gave up.
Once I went to college,I never felt the need to write a diary.I always thought SMS and later , gtalk somehow replaced all other forms of written expression that I was familiar with-emails/letters/diary notes.
Now, here in the U.S, calls are free, but people are not. Neither is messaging. So here I am, back to writing day-to-day things, just like I used to. But I guess my attitude towards expressions has changed.The difference- Back then I wanted to hide that diary and now I want to show it to the whole world. .It doesnt make my feelings any less personal.It's just that I m now not bothered about what people would think about my thoughts. I do not seek recognition and acceptance as much as I did,when I was a kid. I m writing for the heck of it. I hope to write regularly.After reading my blog, I hope that you hope too. :)